I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
dude. I can hear the air.
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