"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
