she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize