I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
