call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
