i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
