and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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