he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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