you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
