life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
