how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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