My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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