I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
