Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Randomize
