I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Randomize
