it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
