I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
