i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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