I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
