I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
