Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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