The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
