The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just forgot I was standing up.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
