Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Couch. On fire.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
