Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
