I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
