we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
