I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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