I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
