I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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