Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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