Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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