I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
