nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
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