I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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