Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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