dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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