i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize