Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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