bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
