Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
