awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
My ATM looks so different sober.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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