Is it because I queefed?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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