Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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