Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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