Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize