i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize