I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
