I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Semen is not good for contacts.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
