Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
