I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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