Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
