all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
