Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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