I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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