Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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