i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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