I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
