nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
