Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
