Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
