I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
